SUPEREFFICIENT

Now here's a sketch I actually performed. On account of it's actually funny. Enjoy.


(A small office with a table. Two serious businesspeople in suits sit at a table: BOB, the good cop; and JEN, the bad cop.)

JEN
Call the next two in.

(Bob opens the door and leans offstage.)

BOB
(checking clipboard)
Ms. Woman and Mr. Man.

(Wonder Woman and Aquaman enter. They all shake hands.)

BOB
Bob Wendell.

JEN
Jen Phelps.

BOB
I don’t know what you’ve heard about these meetings.

WONDER WOMAN
I haven’t heard anything.

AQUAMAN
I heard you made the Wonder Twins cry.

JEN

In this economic climate we all have to make sure we’re being as efficient as possible.

BOB
For the good of the team.

WONDER WOMAN
What does that mean?

BOB
It’s very simple. If you don’t mind, tell us your powers.

WONDER WOMAN
Um, I’m strong, I’m superhumanly fast, um, I fight for justice.

JEN
Can you fly?

WONDER WOMAN
What?

JEN
In the air.

WONDER WOMAN
I have a jet.

JEN
That’s a no.
(crosses something out)
Heat vision?

WONDER WOMAN
Uh...no.

JEN
Freezing breath?

(Wonder Woman shakes her head.)

BOB
Aquaman, tell us what you can do.

AQUAMAN
Strong, fast, fight for just--

JEN
Yeah, yeah. What else?

AQUAMAN
I can breath underwater and use my telepathic powers to
communicate with the creatures of the deep.

JEN
You talk to fish.

WONDER WOMAN
Wait, you didn’t ask me how I was special.

BOB
We’ll get to that.

WONDER WOMAN
(desperate for approval)
I have a magic lasso.

AQUAMAN
I’m the king of Atlantis! My mental powers can control the mightiest denizen of the deep!

JEN
I.e. fish. You talk to them.

WONDER WOMAN
All I have to do is catch a villain in my magic lasso and he has to tell the truth.

JEN
So let’s say you’re all strong and fast and fighting for justice and you catch the Joker in your lasso. He tells you, what, that your nipple’s fallen out of your top?

AQUAMAN
I’ve been a superhero for a long damn time. I’m not some second stringer like Mister Miracle.

BOB
You’re right, we just need to know how you use your powers.

JEN
Lex Luthor’s holding the U.N. security council hostage. How can you help by talking to fish?

(Pause.)

AQUAMAN
Are they at Sea World?

JEN
They’re at U.N. headquarters.

AQUAMAN
That building has a really big water mane. I bet I could get some dolphins--

BOB
Thanks, we’ll let you know about the budget cuts.

AQUAMAN
Just a damn minute!

WONDER WOMAN
Did I mention that my jet’s invisible? I don’t know anyone else with an invisible jet.

AQUAMAN
I didn’t see Batman or Superman waiting outside for this, this...inquisition!

BOB
(checks clipboard)
Batman...seems to have paid for the construction of the Hall of Justice, those giant computer screens in the main room, and the Boeing contract that built your super jet.

AQUAMAN
He drags a thirteen year old kid out with him to fight crime in the worst neighborhoods on the East Coast! If anyone should be in here it’s him.

JEN
And for your information, Superman can kick the moon out of orbit and freeze erupting volcanos all by himself.

BOB
Now if you want to pull some more weight in this organization you might want to divert a few taxes from the kingdom of Atlantis and pick up a tab or two around here.

AQUAMAN
I’ve fought serial killers, international terrorists, alien slave traders, and a talking gorilla, but you people are real villains!

WONDER WOMAN
The jet is really cool!

BOB
And the invisible fuel cost seven hundred thousand dollars last quarter. Now please show yourselves out, we’ll be in touch.

JEN
Send in Black Lightning on your way out.

AQUAMAN
Watch your back next time you’re at the beach, that’s all I’m saying.

(They leave. Jen and Bob wait a beat, then throw on Catwoman and Riddler masks, respectively. Jen produces a whip. They high five.)

BOB
Riddle me this, Catwoman. Is this not the best idea ever?

JEN
Just let me alone with that cute little Robin kid.
(hits whip on table)
I’ve got something I want to show him.